Harry Pottah and the Order of the Phoenix
by paperbox
Summary: This is what happens when you fast-forward through many parts of a story you are too lazy to write about. A lovely guide to the real thing, although not so accurate. A product of early hours of the morning. Review, you'll get a double scoop of icecream.


**HARRY POOTAH AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX** ... a not so accurate version. 

HARRY: I'll hide in this bush so no one can see me. 

VERNON: I won't look under the window because that's where Harry is. 

(popping noise) 

HARRY: (stands up) Ouch. I banged my head on the window. 

VERNON: Wow he banged his head on the window. I see him! 

PETUNIA: I am suspicious. What were you doing there... dumbass? 

HARRY: Learning about waterskiing budgies, of course! 

PETUNIA: (to Vernon) He must be doing something evil. NO ONE learns about waterskiing budgies. Except for those people having to do with the M-word. 

VERNON: Don't say the M-word! 

HARRY: Ok. I'll go for a walk now. 

(Dudley and minions act thuggish) 

MINION#1: Toodles, "Big D". 

(DEMENTORS enter) 

DUDLEY: I feel so cold. (faints) 

HARRY: (saves DUDLEY from dementors and drags the lump of tard back home) 

VERNON: You killed him! (sob) 

PETUNIA: Dudders! What happened! 

DUDLEY: (hoarsely) It was.... (pause) _him_. (points at HARRY) 

VERNON: Le gasp! 

PETUNIA: (bares teeth at HARRY and issues verbal assault) 

(Days later) 

VERNON: Ok we got invited to a contest so - 

PETUNIA: - don't leave your room k. 

HARRY: K. 

VERNON: And don't use your wand k. 

HARRY: K. 

(PETUNIA, VERNON, and DUDLEY leave) 

(ASSORTED WIZARDS enter house. HARRY's door becomes unlocked) 

MAD-EYE: Hi Harry. Give me a glass of water to wash off my eyeball because it's sticky. 

HARRY: K. 

(ASSORTED WIZARDS ride off into the sunset with their broomsticks.) 

HARRY: damnitscold. 

(Arrives at 12 Grimauld Place) 

SIRIUS: Hi Harry meet my mother. 

MOTHER: (shrieks all day long) 

HARRY: K let's do stuff. 

RON/HERMIONE: K. 

MAD-EYE: Hey Harry, come look at a picture of your murdered parents. I bet it'll cheer you up. 

HARRY: Die, dumbass. 

(Hogwarts) 

DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to a new ye - 

UMBRIDGE: Wait! I must cough annoyingly! _Hem hem!_ Or rather, _hack hack!_

ASSORTED STAFF: No one interrupts Dumbledore! We shall loathe thee! 

UMBRIDGE: K. But first listen to my horrendously ugly voice! 

ASSORTED STAFF: K. 

UMBRIDGE: We must do ... _stuff_. 

HERMIONE: (listens intently) Very enlightening. 

(Defense Against the Dark Arts class) 

UMBRIDGE: Put away your wands, foolish children! We must learn to use our wands without actually _using_ them, if you get my drift. 

HARRY: Um, no. 

UMBRIDGE: (cackles) Detention! 

(Detention) 

UMBRIDGE: (sweetly) Here, use my evil pen that will slice open your hand! 

HARRY: K! 

(HARRY writes) 

HARRY: Ouch. This sure hurts, and my hand is bleeding! However, I must not make noises or else she'll be happy. 

UMBRIDGE: K thanks! Come again! 

HARRY: K. 

(HARRY staggers in GRYFFINDOR common room looking dead and in pain) 

RON: Let's play chess! 

HERMIONE: Let's do homework! 

( FAST FORWARD ) 

HARRY: I dreamt a dream tonight - 

FRIENDS: Exciting! 

HARRY: - but I ... forgot it. (crestfallen) 

FRIENDS: K. 

DRACO: I haven't been mention yet! 

AUDIENCE: (wakes up) Drakie! 

(next night) 

HARRY: (withers around in bed) Mr. Weasely has been attacked! 

PEOPLE: (checks) You are right! He is in vital condition! 

DUMBLEDORE: So tell me what you saw. 

HARRY: He was ... attacked... 

DUMBLEDORE: Yah I know. But ... _how_? 

HARRY: Uh I dunno. 

DUMBLEDORE: K. 

HARRY: Wow I feel murderous when I am in contact with you. 

DUMBLEDORE: K, see ya. 

HARRY: (to himself) I dreamt about corridors. They must mean something. 

( FAST FORWARD ) 

(arrives at Ministry of Magic) 

HARRY: They _do_ mean something! These are the exact same corridors! 

HERMIONE: Show us the way, brave hero! 

(gets in strange room with spinning rooms) 

HERMIONE: I always help you with these things. I wonder what I can do this time? 

HARRY: I dunno but I'm getting confused with these doors. 

HERMIONE: K I'll just mark them with fire then. 

HARRY: Alright, if you insist. 

( BIG BLOODY BATTLE ) 

BELLATRIX: (cackles) Let's fight, Sirius! 

SIRIUS: K! 

(They FIGHT) 

SIRIUS: Augh! I am falling! 

HARRY: Nooooooo! 

BELLATRIX: Yesssss!!!!!1!!!!!11!!11 

VOLDEMORT: Yesss!!! 

HARRY: (holds back tears) Shall... get... revenge... 

VOLDEMORT: Harry! En garde! 

BELLATRIX: Ooh ooh no let me! 

VOLDEMORT: K. 

HARRY: Uh... avada kedavra? 

BELLATRIX: Dude you suck. 

HARRY: (shrugs) Sorry no practice. 

BELLATRIX: Let me show you, stupid boy! 

(MOVING STATUES save the day. DUMBLEDORE appears!) 

DUMBLEDORE: (sternly) Harry! Be safe! 

(HARRY flees) 

HARRY: (holds up mirror that wasn't mentioned here but it was given by SIRIUS) Sirius! 

(silence) 

HARRY: (sob) 

SIR NICHOLAS OF BLAHBLAH: By the way, Sirius won't be a ghost. Sucker! 

HARRY: Rah you sucketh. 

(goes home to DURSLEYS) 

**THE END**


End file.
